A Colourful Life of Colourful People

Monday, April 17, 2006

Before school ended, sheena, miss j and i had a chat about improving el. changing the environment. partially to help us get over our friend and move on, secondly to make the environment more condusive.we talked about el fundings, how messy and chaotic the entire admin of el actually became, for one moment i hope to bring el to greater heights when the sec fours leave el into my batch's hands, then i started to wonder, will i have the leadership quality to really lead them well? i hope so.but i worry, what if i don't? what's gonna happen? i don't want to see el disbanded. neither do i want to see it not disbanded but so seperated, like sand all over the place. can i do it?

It was a journey which brought me into a world of thoughts. At first it was a normal day like any day, staying back in school to mug, to slack, for cca, for competition preparation, then suddenly i found myself pretty lost, because i realised i had nothing much to do.
i just couldn't relate to them any longer, then again, let go. so i let that pass.
normally on a monday i would be waiting for maddie with dawn and canida to go home together. Then the next moment i found myself strolling towards the sidegate instead of the canteen as the others made their way there.
Thoughts came, non-stop and i kept thinking and thinking and thinking. life. what was it to me? what do i actually look forward to in life? weekly sharing sessions in sbm? other than that? i don't know. i really don't know. and then i found my life just so empty.
Promises. what are they? "friends forever"; "i'll never leave you", how many people does it take for us to keep this promise, and so i realised, the promise made was tough. really tough. Lyn made sense, it ought to be "i'll never leave you for as long as i can". so what if i don't leave you when i can no longer connect with you?
promises. are they kept for the point of keeping them, or kept true from the heart? i have no idea. promises of friendship have been broken many many times in this life of mine.
"hey! let's get this ring together!"
"hey! wanna get this? we can have them as a group!"
Does the ring really help? i tried. i tried wearing it. i tried wearing it and think that it would save a friendship. or so i was fantasizing. nothing helped. i could no longer understand the other party anymore. apparently it was already a symbolism when the string holding on to the ring broke. i should have realised earlier. so once again, i try to let go.
then i realised i've been living in a world of hypocrites.or maybe it was just that i didn't realise it, i was too attached to even notice. and when i do i realised everything's over.when i realised i too began to dislike the other party, and the reason for dislike was because i no longer know her, i brought myself to dislike her, to heal my wound.
then i started wondering, spiritual friends. what are they? who are they? where are they? alvin, yongting, shixiong, bertina, fiona, coli, madeline, i started wondering if they are my spiritual friends and i sincerely hoped so. i started praying we wouldn't break.
then i tried convincing myself that i was thinking too much, far too much, and another side of me popped up to say it's normal for a teenager like me to start angsting at times. so i continued.
who was my best friend? leon? lyn? maddie? yongting? bertina? was i the only one to walk with them for their life? maybe for one, but then again, that wouldn't exactly mean i'm his/her best friend.and it's only MAYBE. then which one of them actually treated me as a good/best friend? and then i found myself even more lost.
thinking....
thinking....
thinking....

i fell into a deep deep sleep on the train.

just too much thinking for the day, and i don't know why. too much stuff happening around me i suppose. alvin, hang tough, ananda's gonna be there for u.

I had a real good time @ 4:43 PM
_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _